A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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