so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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