Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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