i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
