Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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