I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
