Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Randomize
