I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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