i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
