how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
