There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
