I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
