Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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