Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Randomize
