Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
