Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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