the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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