i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
