he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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