I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
