theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We left the knife in your bed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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