You just made me feel so damn special
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
