Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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