went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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