he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
