Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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