I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
