i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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