well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
