sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
