Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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