The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
