Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
