can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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