ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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