the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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