I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
