what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
