spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
