hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
