The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
