Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
