god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
