I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
