my shit smells like andre
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
