I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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