K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you didnt know i had herpes?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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