You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
