you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
