I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
