If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize