You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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