the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
