You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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