just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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