Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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