if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
