For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
